As a busy mom, I’ve come to the conclusion that scientists are going about new inventions all the wrong way. They need to put together a team of stressed out mothers, give us each a bottle wine and a babysitter that can drive herself home, and let us tell you what we could REALLY use. With that thought in mind, I created the following funny inventions:
Top 10 Inventions Mothers Wish Were Invented
- An automatic car seat strap device. All your child would have to do is climb into a seat, then a device would come and strap them in. I still haven’t figured out how it wouldn’t chop of their heads at times if they moved, so that one would probably be patent-pending.
- A folding laundry device. I’m not talking that board that they use at The Gap. I’m talking a robot who could fold my laundry.
- IHOP delivery. Seriously – how can we send a man on the moon but we still haven’t figured out breakfast delivery? It’s a crime.
- Roomba for lawns. Roomba or IRobot is that vacuum that you just leave on and it vacuums the house by itself. When it hits a wall, it just turns around and keeps vacuuming. What if we created a lawn mower that could do that? When it hits a plant, it turns around. It would make for some interesting shapes in the grass though…
- Car dispensers for children’s snacks. You know those soap/shampoo/conditioner dispensers in the shower? One of those in a car for snacks next to a kid’s car seat would be awesome. They click a button and out comes a handful of snacks. That way, I’m not digging in my purse while driving to find one last pack of fruit snacks, uhm…I mean….apple slices.
- A magnetic chip that can be inserted under my arm skin so that my iPhone can always stay attached to my body, except when needed. I lose that damn thing about 15 times a day, yet I believe that if it was attached to me in some magnetic capacity that my number of daily losses might be under 10.
- A device that makes my eyes appear to be looking at the television when I am really looking at previously mentioned iPhone. This is necessary when I am asked to suffer through numerous episodes of Strawberry Shortcake, or even worse, Yo Gabba Gabba.
- Hooks that grab your coat and hat like they had in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we lived in a house where the kids jackets were actually hung up and my doorway bench could be used for…uhmmm….what’s it supposed to be used for again??? Oh right…sitting.
- A remote controlled girdle. There are moments when I’m talking in front of a group that I would like to shift the remote to extreme sucking in, but then when I sit down to eat cheesecake at a party, I’d like the ability to release my inner organs again and have oxygen flowing through my body. However, do not let anyone else hold the remote. I fear that device in the hands of a man.
- Self-cleaning toilet bowls. Now before you go telling me about some device that actually does this, I’m talking about the real deal. I want a hand to come out of the toilet and scrub around the bottom of the pedestal, the place where pee seems to magically appear when living with men. I want that hand to then shake its finger at those men and ask them why they can’t for the life of them pee into one large hole without missing? They can write their entire name in urine in snow but you can’t pee in a hole the size of Texas??
Danielle Herzog is the writer behind Martinis and Minivans, a blog for anyone who has ever needed a martini after driving a minivan around all day. Or for anyone who has just ever needed a martini. She is a freelance writer who has written for The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, The Huffington Post, AOL.com, What to Expect.com, Nickelodeon and various other national and local publications and sites. She also writes a weekly parenting advice column called “The Sassy Housewife” for the Omaha World-Herald, and is working on her first book, a non-fiction humor book that focuses on her not-so-traditional path to motherhood considering she was the girl who swore she would never have children.
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